I think my vagina is haunted
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
