checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so let's talk penis.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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