On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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