im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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