I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
