Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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