forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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