Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
