last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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