Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
