Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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