exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
