I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
