yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
