i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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