My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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