sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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