I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
