she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Ketchup is God's man juice
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
