YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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