Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
