He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
