your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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