I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
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