It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize