i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Oh god it's open bar.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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