I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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