I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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