he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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