Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
