I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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