My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
