Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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