I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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