I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
