I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
