He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
