take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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