we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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