he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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