He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
