Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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