I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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