so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
