don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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