Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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