I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
