Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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