I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize