Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
