my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
