It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
