i think i have two assholes
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
