Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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