Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
