does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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